death

All posts tagged death

Heavy Heart

Published June 15, 2012 by Sara

I received new today that my Uncle Stu (Stewie) passed away. It’s starting to sink in, but when I first found out, it was through my cousin Kathy in a message through FB. We were talking about pinterest and cleaning grout. She apologized like no tomorrow, and was worried I had not heard.

I sat there dazed, I knew this news was coming, I thought when I heard it, I would be a basket case. I literally went into shock. After a minute or so, I realized, I need to call Aunt Carol, being as I am not sure if anyone had called her. Got her voicemail, so she must be out. Then I tried my Uncle George and got his voicemail as well, which is utterly understandable, being as that poor man is most likely devasted beyond belief, being as another sibling has passed on. My Mom and Stu were the only two he was closest to. 

I played the messages on my machine and Brian did try calling around 8am to let me know the sad news. I was surprised the phone nor the machine woke me up, but then I realized we had the ceiling fan on, which with that white noise going on, tends to block out any other noise from the phone. To me, it was a good thing. I had not slept good the previous two nights and I was utterly surprised I slept good last night. 

But then I had the sad task of telling the kids, which that utterly tore me up inside to have to deliver such sad news. Julia was the firs I told and she howled like no tomorrow. I knew she would take it the hardest, since she is so sensitive. She really misses him and really wanted to see him over Spring Break, but she was satisfied with the knowledge that we would see him over Summer Break. It makes me feel so awful that the kids didn’t get to see him one last time before he departed. 

Once I had Julia squared away and told my husband. He asked me if I was ok, which surprisingly, I was, but it had not sunk in yet. But I started crying because I had to still tell Gwen and Emily. I don’t like hurting my kids. And I knew Gwen was still working on her 1/2 credit for school and was thinking I’d tell her later on since today is the last day, but she came downstairs and one look at my face and she knew. But she hugged me instead and asked if I was ok, which I was, I just was upset I had to tell them. And thankfully she is done with her 1/2 credit, so it’s all good. *whew*

Telling Emily was fairly easy. She just made a shocked look at me. I think we all are just reeling from the information. 

But now it’s slowly sinking in for me. I was at Starbucks and almost started crying when I was ordering. Then I tried calling my cousin Brian back after I got back and was fighting back the tears. I think actually verbally acknowledging it, is what is making it sink in. Being as when I wasn’t saying anything or saying it out loud, was when it didn’t seem real. 

I really hated sending messages through FB telling people, but sadly, it’s the only way I talk to them or them to me. Luckily, a friend of mine saw my FB status and I asked her if she could call and tell her Mom, being as I didn’t want her to read it on FB. 

So now we wait to find out when the memorial is. I just hope it’s enough time to get everything on our end set up to plan coming out a little better. But I know when I come back, it will be time to reopen my stores.

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Missed Memories

Published May 4, 2012 by Sara

I have been sitting here thinking about my step brother Ricky and just how much I miss him. 

For some reason, we never got to reconnect over the years and I think that was my fault. 

When I went to visit my Dad for the summer, they said they were going to have a surprise for me. Well, I certainly wasn’t thinking it was going to be my step brother Ricky and I basically acted blazay and I remember when he left, he asked me to call him sometime. I never did once. 

I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me. Truly I don’t. And then when I got home, I felt horrible for the way I acted and tried to get his # from my Dad and was always on a goose chase.

Well, I finally got his # after a few years of my Dad dancing around giving it to me and I left countless messages for him, and not once did he return my calls. He could have been busy.

I guess you could say I deserved it, but now it makes it even harder to bare, being as he died Feb 2010. His body was found in the lake, and he drowned. I truly was hoping maybe we would reconnect, after he would stop being so damn stubborn. 

But it will never happen now.

I guess I should be angry for him snubbing me, but I thought maybe if I left an apology on his machine, just to let him know I was being a stupid teenager having a teenager moment, involved in her own little world. 

And plus also, even though we had awesome time together, I think I was rather upset with him, being as he got to live with my Dad, he got to grow up under his own roof, but when I asked my Dad if I could live with him, he shut me down with a big “no” Which hurt, I understood he didn’t want to have kids living with him, but then it hurt me to no end that Ricky, his new wife’s son, lived with them. 

I know that is not Ricky’s fault and he should not be the one held accountable for that. 

I just wished my Dad would have taken that opportunity, being as I really wanted to get to know him. I can’t say I would have lived with him forever and I may have moved back to Wisconsin after graduating. 

And this is why I wish my Mom never moved me here in the first place. I am so far from my own father and the rest of my family. But then my Dad was stupid for allowing her to let her move me here. What my Mom offered him, well just to allow her to sell the house? She would not claim child support on him ever. Yeah. That lasted only 2 years. My Mom was silly for asking for that agreement, but then my Dad was stupid for falling for it. No matter how much you plan for a solid future, surprises and curve balls get thrown at you. 

Anyway, I am going way into this than is needed. But I just really miss Ricky and am mad that there is this huge closure I will never have with him, because he is gone. 

I just wish he would have at least talked to me and just let me have it. That would have been closure and I wouldn’t feel guilty for treating him the way I did.

Missing

Published April 28, 2012 by Sara

I was just cruising around on Facebook, when a profile picture just froze time, my heart stopped and just could not believe I was seeing a photo of Davy, one from when he was a little kid with his sister Ann. 

I went to her page and she has been adding photos of him and a rush of memories came back to me that I had long forgotten about.

He truly felt like to me he was my little brother. I grew up with Ann and we were inseparable back then. I remember play fighting with Davy when I would sleep over at her house.

I remember going swimming at Pulaski Pool with Ann, Davy and their Mom. Davy begged and begged to borrow my googles. Which I finally conceeded to and that little squirt was only using them to check out the ladies under water…lmao.

I remember babysitting for him and with the money I earned, I bought myself a curling iron from Walgreens. We would ride our bikes all over town. Heck one time we even rode our bikes all the way to the lake front. Which to think about that now is crazy, you would not see my old ass get on a bike and ride that far. Heck, I wouldn’t even let my kids ride their bikes to the lake front….lol

I miss the goofy little run he had. It’s rather hard to explain, but he was all arms and legs when he would run. I gave him a lot of crap the way he would run.

I really miss Davy. I really do.

Davy was murdered 9/3/1996. A day that I will NEVER forget.

I missed seeing him graduate from high school, I missed seeing the father he would be, I missed seeing him falling in love for the first time, I missed seeing the man he would become. 

It’s just so devasting to think about what we missed and that he was taken so young. This was the first death that rattled me to my core. The first time I couldn’t understand why the world could continue and everyone could be happy, did they not know too that Davy was murdered? It just feels so surreal that one day can literally turn your world upside down and everyone can continue their life as if nothing happened, you feel that everyone should have known him, everyone should be affected. I wanted to grab people that were blissfully unaware of my world shattering and scream at them, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you not know, someone was murdered? Someone that should be alive? Someone that was too young to go?”

I just didn’t want to believe it, not Davy, not this little kid that I knew since he was  5 years old. Not someone so young. But the minute I saw Dee and Jim’s face, my heart sank. I knew it was real. I still didn’t want it to be, but then I knew I had to face it. 

And now with seeing pictures, just makes me realize even after all this time, I still miss him just as much as it were yesterday he was taken from us.

I am still angry that the people that shot him, walked away, simply because they claimed self defense. As much as you want the justice system to work in your favor, they tend to look the other way when it’s gang related. Maybe I am being naive, but that is exactly how I see it. I feel someone should pay for taking Davy’s life.

It wasn’t fair and it still isn’t.

Published March 20, 2012 by Sara

Everytime I hear this song, it always makes me think of Mila. This little precious girl that was touched by cancer and sadly, she did not beat it since the tumor was on her spine and the surgery was too risky considering her age. She passed away shortly after my Mom did back in 2008. But I was so consumed with my own grief. I had not checked up on Mila until a few weeks after her own passing. 

I have heard this a few times since then, but more as of recent. Once when I was at Rue 21 when I took Gwen, Emily and Julia school shopping and then just a few weeks ago while I was at Walgreens picking up my husband’s prescriptions. 

Each time I hear this, it literally knocks the wind out of me and I wonder how her Mom is doing. Before Mila passed away, Andi said this was her song to Mila. Hearing the song, literally breaks my heart.

Andi closed her Myspace account 2 months after Mila’s passing and did not leave a trace for anyone to contact her, being as some people were being jack asses. Criticizing her for blogging while her daughter was dying. And that truly pisses me off right there. Just because someone has some “down” time and they use it to be online, people get all jacked up because she’s not sitting there holding her daughter’s hand 24/7 praying to God to save her Angel. People need a break, people need something to break away from the hum drum of being a care giver and ONLY people who have been through it will understand, shit, I’m STILL a caregiver after 5 years. (First my husband tore is ACL and Menial Meniscus, then my Mom dying of lung cancer, then husband while taking care of my Mom, his eyes had beginning stages of glaucoma, my Mom passed, then my husband had his left leg amputated above the knee.) I just hope at some point we will start to see things turn around.

But after Mila’s passing Andi couldn’t take the critisicm anymore. People had started to jump on her for going on trips and seeing friends. I am sure what set them off was her documentation of those trips. She would take photos of one of Mila’s treasured stuffed animals and it symbolized that Mila was with her. But again, there are people who look at it differently. Everything always comes down to perception. 

I have tried finding Andi on Facebook, but have had no such luck. She may have remarried since too. BUT I did find her brother on You Tube, but that is a slim chance, BUT worth the try right?

But those people that want to be jack asses, at some point, they will get their moment when they realize what it is like and they will remember how they treated Andi and realize, she was only trying to reach out to people, educate them on this rare form of cancer. Being as you can only live and breath your living nightmare for so long, before you find small means of escape.

Some remnants remain of Mila here and there. It’s even a shame there is a website that doesn’t claim it’s not her child and it just disgusts me that people are so starved for attention, they would jump on someone else’s miserable story for their 5 seconds of glory. *smh*

Vertical Horizon-Forever (by metrohybrid)

Kissing Hands Earrings

Published March 9, 2012 by Sara

I said I was going to redo these, which even those these are shown as earrings, these can be made into a necklace, cufflinks, fashion ring, ornament, etc

These were inspired by the book “Kissing Hands” which helps young children overcome anxiety and their first day of school. My youngest had already been in school for a few years, but we had a death in the family to someone she was incredibly close to, it put so much stress on her, she was afraid to go to school, because she was worried something would happen to me while she was away.

This book was our lifesaver and it gave my daughter the courage to go to school. (This was not the only factor, but it certainly helped immensely!)

I made her a necklace for her to wear, under her shirt, so my kiss would always be close to her heart. That was 2 years ago and finally I have come up with a version that works as earrings.

I have been going through all my inventory that needs retakes of photos and will be uploading them here to showcase them. For sure you can find these on eBay right now, as days go by, they will be added to my other selling sites. 🙂

You can find all my items on eBay, Etsy, Artfire and Bonanza :

http://www.pinkclaymonkey.com (linked to my eBay account)

http://www.etsy.com/shop/JegasCreations (this has my old business name)

http://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/studio/PinkClayMonkey

http://www.bonanza.com/booths/pinkclaymonkey

Sadness

Published February 19, 2012 by Sara

My dear friend V (Vikisha) just lost her daughter this evening. I am just so sad beyond belief. 

My best bud Eric called to tell me the sad news and he will keep me updated to when her funeral will be.

So sad to lose a child when they are only 4 years old, but at least her suffering is over and she is in a much better place now. 

Raven, I know being up in heaven, you will be free. No more doctors, no more hospitals, you can now be the kid you were meant to be. 

Thanks so much for touching all of our lives.

Whitney Houston

Published February 12, 2012 by Sara

Wow, I just can not believe she is gone. Just like that. Gone. Gone from ever making the comeback I had hoped she would make. Gone from making the music I loved.

I have been sitting here watching her music videos and wow, this truly is just so sad. The last time I was moved this much by a musician’s passing, was Michael Jackson. 

I remember being absolutely mesmerized by Whitney. Trying to sing her songs that in no way could I ever compare to, but it didn’t stop me from trying. 

Or when her music videos came on, I’d jump up and start dancing. Especially to “How Will I Know” and “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”. Memories of Whitney are much clearer then when I reflected on Michael Jackson. 

And I can not say how many times I watched her music videos just to watch her little quirks when she sings. Like when she scrunches her nose, or the way she moves her mouth when she sings. She just exuded sexuality, but in a very subtle way.

I remember being in the 8th Grade and Ms. Hanlon talking about her. I forget what brought it up, but she was mentioning what a Diva she was and how she demanded certain things in order to perform or do interviews. That was when I first learned that not everything is what you see…..but I still loved Whitney all the same.

I remember my husband and I going to The Paradise to see “The Bodyguard” and I ran into my friend Sue Madsen from work. I loved that movie to the ends of the earth. And the music she produced for the movie, I have that soundtrack along with “The Preacher’s Wife”.

Again, the news of her passing will forever be immortalized in my head. When Gwen told me, she said it casually, but when I stopped and the look on my face, she realized this was one that hit me. In a fleeting moment, I wanted to cry, but then it’s hard to take some of these tid bits seriously, being as sometimes one news source can get wrong information and the next thing you know, it’s viral and it’s not true in the slightest. (Take Bon Jovi for example.) She asked me who she was, she said the name sounded familiar. 

And this is where I am failing as a parent. My kids don’t know these singers or the amazing music they produced. But now they will know, being as I am sure just like MJ, the radio stations will be playing her music non stop. Which I am looking forward too…

When Michael Jackson passed, his music spoke to my daughter Emily. She fell in love with him and we now have EVERY album he has ever made. Her Dad even bought her a white hat that almost looks like the one he wears in “Smooth Criminal”.

But Dear Whitney, I am hope you have finally found peace and to me, you were “That One Moment In Time”