When my Mom was sick, this song would play on the radio and literally broke me to tears each time I would hear it.
Well, now with the news of my Uncle, it has now been playing on the radio again. I know people would pass that off as that I wasn’t “listening” for it till now, but honestly, even after my Mom’s passing, this song would make me stop whatever I was doing and listen to it. It’s the same with the song for Mila, the little girl who passed shortly after my Mom. I have not heard that song until just recently and each time, it made me stop.
Anyway, I have been beating myself up over not being there for my Uncle. But somehow I have found peace with it. I know that even if I had known, there wouldn’t be anything I could do. I can’t stop the cancer, I can remove it, I can’t change it. This was a huge factor I had to accept with my Mom, which utterly made me feel helpless that I could not do a damn thing to make her better.
I just wish it wasn’t cancer taking away another loved one of mine away.
Like my cousin Brian says, you never feel more alone until the woman who brought you into this world is gone. But my Uncle is the last closest relative I have. That’s it. And knowing this, makes me feel even more alone than ever. But in a way there has been a trade off with all this sadness. My cousin Brian and I are just enamored with each other and wished we had spoke sooner. We both crack each other up and we both talk incessantly, which is a Woodling trait, but is a Fetter trait as well. So we are a double threat. But I can’t help but wonder if this may be all a facade and will change once my Uncle dies, I guess only time will tell. I also have been talking more to my Aunt Connie more, which I have always enjoyed talking to her. Also, my Aunt Carol has been reaching out to me more as of late. Which I am thinking they are worried about me, since they know I am incredibly close to Uncle Stu.
My cousin Brian called the other day and I literally was already tearing up dreading for the awful news. I have been such a bundle of nerves, I have been pounding through the house and getting it in tip top shape, being as I am worried that once the news hit, I will sink into depression. Who knows, maybe I’ll have one day of depression, but I just want to make my life as easy as possible when and if that news does come, then all I need to worry about is making arrangements for the trip to Minnesota for the Memorial. And while we were planning on going towards July, I guess we will make this the time we had planned for our trip.
I just hope to make the trip a little fun for the kids and so it’s not so depressing for them.