Loss

Published August 29, 2011 by Sara

It has been a little over 3 years since I lost my Mom and now to reflect thinking back to when I first lost her. I felt like my world had ceased to exist. A friend of mine thought I would have been relieved when she passed, but in the sense of the being split between my kids, my husband and her. It was hard. But my life had become so accustomed to being on the go, that when she was gone. I just felt this great huge vast of emptiness. 

After she left, the world as I knew it, was forever changed. I no longer viewed the world the same way I did before she did leave.

I have always loved the movie “One True Thing” and have watched it countless times. I even watched it a few times during my Mom’s battle with cancer. After she passed, it took me about 6 months before I wanted to brave watching it again. When I did, WOW! The emotions and the frustrations rang so true for me on a level I could never get another to comprehend, unless they have experienced a loss on the same level. I had lost people in the past, but this is the one that shook me to my core. 

I remember the memories that were coming to me after my Mom had passed. All playing like they just happened yesterday. The memories didn’t feel so distant anymore and I kept thinking if I thought about them enough, that she would come back.

I can not begin to say how much I wished for her to be back. I knew someday she would leave me, but no matter how fleeting those thoughts are, NEVER prepares you for the huge void in your life when she is gone, forever. You never think of how permanent it is, being as she is right there, annoying you. LOL But when it happens, wow, there is nothing in the world that can change the fact that your Mom is gone. 

I had countless dreams where she came back. One of which that was a nightmare and all she did was hold me in the dream. I swear, it was her. Maybe it’s my subconscious, but it felt like she was there. 

But I heard somewhere, that let’s say that person comes back, then you have to deal with the thought of losing them all over again. That I could not bear to do twice.

There have been moments where I know she was here. Right before Art’s leg amputation. I was sitting on the porch and I felt my Mom’s presence, she was hugging me and I had experienced this once before, but this one was like she was trying to tell me something. But I blew it off as my imagination. Kid you not, the next day, Art went into the ER. That was when it clicked. She was trying to tell me or trying to let me know she is here.

And when I came home from the hospital. Reminded me that she’s not here. I can’t just run upstairs to tell her what is going on, ask her to check in on the kids. Or just to have her there to vent. It felt like I had lost her all over again.

Then a month or so ago. In the back hall, I could smell this odor. Not bad, but not a pleasant smell. It smelled just like this liquid medicine she had to put on her foot. At first I paid no mind to it, being as I figured it was something else. But as the days went on, the more I started to think maybe it was her letting me know she is here. Well I finally mentioned it to my husband and kids. No one knew what I was talking about, Art knew the smell and Gwen couldn’t quite remember it. But it’s such a unique scent, that I have never encountered anything like that to smell the same or even close.

Gwen told me the next day she could smell it too and as soon as she did, she knew exactly what I was talking about. And after we acknowledged it, the smell was gone the next day.  

Also, another movie, “P.S. I Love You” but the only part that I feel a rather kinship with, is the part where she is inspired to start her own business. Now while I had already been selling on Ebay. I had decided to make it a full commitment to make a go of it. But also, it had to do with where I worked as well. I was currently working at St. Mary’s, where some of my Mom’s appts took place. I tried to go back to work, for one, I had a hard time getting myself up in the morning, then driving to work, I just kept having anxiety attacks (and forgot my meds at home). Then the memories just were almost unbearable walking through the doors and passing the clinics she would go to. I was fighting the tears, it just was too soon to try to return to work. I finally made it to my floor, the door opened and calmness washed over me. This was MY floor. Where the babies are. I was glad to be back. But the in between was really hard to get through. I just was not looking forward to that, which a few weeks later was when I decided to try and start selling from home. 

But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The business venture being one of them. I do feel like my Mom is helping me, helping me make choices, giving me ideas, pushing me along to achieve my fullest potential. 

I also became much closer to my oldest daughter and I am forever thankful for that. 

So as hard as it was to lose my Mom, I had so much to gain from her leaving. 

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