So it is……

Published August 17, 2011 by Sara

I finally got the chance to speak with my Uncle tonight and it’s true. 100% without a doubt, he has liver cancer. I sit here in disbelief and incredibly sad he has to go through this. 

We are trying to plan to go out there over Labor Day weekend. Being as I am worried just how much time he has left and it scares me to the core to read he could only have 3-6 months. BUT I only looked up one article and made myself stop, we don’t know. And me looking up all this information is only making me feel more anxiety than ever before. So, I stopped. Wait for the details and THEN take it from there.

This is my last link to my Mom. I know she has another brother and sister, but her and my Uncle were close. Despite the huge age difference they had. (About 12 years) I’ve always sort of looked at him like a father figure in a way. He’s my absolute favorite Uncle. He has the memory better than anyone I know and he is the most active person. He is always traveling and always on the go. He has driven himself all over the USA.

But one of my Mom’s wishes when she was dying. She wanted me to take care of him if there ever came a point that he needed it. Being as she knows his kids won’t step up to the plate. He isn’t exactly too close to either of them. I think when he left Arliss, he sort of dropped out of their lives too. (Arliss was cheating on him and I know now, he wishes he stayed and tried to work things out.)

But I can’t…..I want to…but i do not feel I am capable of taking care of him. My husband certainly can’t either. He had his leg amputated a little over a year ago and he’s still not 100% rehabilitated yet. I could only do this if I had his help. 

I don’t like letting people down. Most of all my Mom. BUT I know if she were here she would understand. But again, I just feel like I am making excuses, I feel like I that i am letting him down as well, being as I know he wants to be here. But then what happens when he can no longer walk? I certainly can’t carry him. I know he has lost weight, but still, he’s a big guy. 

And also, do I want my kids to witness this all over again? My Mom went the right way, but cancer is not that forgiving for everyone.

I know I can handle the stress, but my kids, when they would cry on the phone because they wanted me home and they missed me so much, literally tore me to shreds. What if he ends up in Hopsice? And then it’s that all over again. It will worry me that Julia could become clingy again. After my Mom passed and she started school, she just had serious attachment problems. We worked so hard with her to build up her confidence and stabilizing her with tasks/rewards at home to reinforce her confidence.

Just a whole lot of what if’s….I just hope they don’t become the coulda shoulda woulda’s.

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