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All posts for the month August, 2011

Loss

Published August 29, 2011 by Sara

It has been a little over 3 years since I lost my Mom and now to reflect thinking back to when I first lost her. I felt like my world had ceased to exist. A friend of mine thought I would have been relieved when she passed, but in the sense of the being split between my kids, my husband and her. It was hard. But my life had become so accustomed to being on the go, that when she was gone. I just felt this great huge vast of emptiness. 

After she left, the world as I knew it, was forever changed. I no longer viewed the world the same way I did before she did leave.

I have always loved the movie “One True Thing” and have watched it countless times. I even watched it a few times during my Mom’s battle with cancer. After she passed, it took me about 6 months before I wanted to brave watching it again. When I did, WOW! The emotions and the frustrations rang so true for me on a level I could never get another to comprehend, unless they have experienced a loss on the same level. I had lost people in the past, but this is the one that shook me to my core. 

I remember the memories that were coming to me after my Mom had passed. All playing like they just happened yesterday. The memories didn’t feel so distant anymore and I kept thinking if I thought about them enough, that she would come back.

I can not begin to say how much I wished for her to be back. I knew someday she would leave me, but no matter how fleeting those thoughts are, NEVER prepares you for the huge void in your life when she is gone, forever. You never think of how permanent it is, being as she is right there, annoying you. LOL But when it happens, wow, there is nothing in the world that can change the fact that your Mom is gone. 

I had countless dreams where she came back. One of which that was a nightmare and all she did was hold me in the dream. I swear, it was her. Maybe it’s my subconscious, but it felt like she was there. 

But I heard somewhere, that let’s say that person comes back, then you have to deal with the thought of losing them all over again. That I could not bear to do twice.

There have been moments where I know she was here. Right before Art’s leg amputation. I was sitting on the porch and I felt my Mom’s presence, she was hugging me and I had experienced this once before, but this one was like she was trying to tell me something. But I blew it off as my imagination. Kid you not, the next day, Art went into the ER. That was when it clicked. She was trying to tell me or trying to let me know she is here.

And when I came home from the hospital. Reminded me that she’s not here. I can’t just run upstairs to tell her what is going on, ask her to check in on the kids. Or just to have her there to vent. It felt like I had lost her all over again.

Then a month or so ago. In the back hall, I could smell this odor. Not bad, but not a pleasant smell. It smelled just like this liquid medicine she had to put on her foot. At first I paid no mind to it, being as I figured it was something else. But as the days went on, the more I started to think maybe it was her letting me know she is here. Well I finally mentioned it to my husband and kids. No one knew what I was talking about, Art knew the smell and Gwen couldn’t quite remember it. But it’s such a unique scent, that I have never encountered anything like that to smell the same or even close.

Gwen told me the next day she could smell it too and as soon as she did, she knew exactly what I was talking about. And after we acknowledged it, the smell was gone the next day.  

Also, another movie, “P.S. I Love You” but the only part that I feel a rather kinship with, is the part where she is inspired to start her own business. Now while I had already been selling on Ebay. I had decided to make it a full commitment to make a go of it. But also, it had to do with where I worked as well. I was currently working at St. Mary’s, where some of my Mom’s appts took place. I tried to go back to work, for one, I had a hard time getting myself up in the morning, then driving to work, I just kept having anxiety attacks (and forgot my meds at home). Then the memories just were almost unbearable walking through the doors and passing the clinics she would go to. I was fighting the tears, it just was too soon to try to return to work. I finally made it to my floor, the door opened and calmness washed over me. This was MY floor. Where the babies are. I was glad to be back. But the in between was really hard to get through. I just was not looking forward to that, which a few weeks later was when I decided to try and start selling from home. 

But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The business venture being one of them. I do feel like my Mom is helping me, helping me make choices, giving me ideas, pushing me along to achieve my fullest potential. 

I also became much closer to my oldest daughter and I am forever thankful for that. 

So as hard as it was to lose my Mom, I had so much to gain from her leaving. 

Uncle Pt 2

Published August 29, 2011 by Sara

I have a feeling my Uncle was lying to me about the cancer. Since we have arrived back from Lake Winnebago, he has not made any attempt to call. AND his daughter called right before we left to tell me he told her he DOESN’T have cancer. 

Seriously?!?

For 3 days I was barely sleeping, I could be dog ass tired, but as soon as my head hit the pillow. I would be wide awake, sitting there thinking about him, worrying how he is doing and every little sound seemed to be amplified to keep me from sleeping. It drove me crazy. One night, as soon as my head hit the pillow, I slept for 10 minutes and was wide awake again. I laid there tossing and turning till 5am to which I FINALLY fell asleep for about one hour, being as Gwen needed to go to school.

So when the day came for our anticipated trip to Lake Winnebago, I was literally exhausted and needed to take a nap before making a 2 hour trip out there.

When we arrived and sat outside, I just felt so at peace. A calmness I have not felt in a LONG time. I finally felt relaxed. I finally felt like I had escaped my world of chaos.  

And do I hate my Uncle? I don’t. Maybe it’s his way of trying to get attention he feels he is not getting from his own children. And I could honestly say if he called me, the chances of me calling him back are pretty slim. 

I hate this. I hate being so busy it feels like I am blowing people off all the time. And it seems with each passing year, it gets worse and I get busier than what I was before.

Sitting back and thinking about this, he has not gone anywhere in our minivan for awhile now. Every trip to Walgreens has been made by me and I do not know how in the world we settled into this routine again, but he needs to do things for himself. I just hate being pulled in 5 thousand directions. And then of course with the idea my Uncle has/had cancer, just put so much stress on me. I want to take care of him, but I can’t when Art is still struggling to learn his new prosthetic. 

Which FINALLY his prothesist called and they have the new pin system for him. But he is now seeing Herb rather than Josh. Which I wonder why. BUT I do have a feeling he is exaggerating the issues he is having. I wouldn’t even give this a second thought, but when he was in the hospital. He talked about collecting SSD. Now the last time we saw my Uncle, he told him he planned on sitting on his ass collecting SSD. Now see, I was brought up to be a fighter. I know there may be a point and where you feel like giving up, but then you get the gumption to carry on. I have been raised to be independent.

I remember when I had explained to my Dad that we were on AFDC when Gwen was a baby. And he rather scolded me being as he said he thought he had raised me differently, which now in hindsight, sometimes you need to take the help that id offered. It’s just I didn’t get comfortable with it and stop working to collect while sitting at home. In all these years, that thought never crossed my mind. 

Now I work from home and do wish I had an outside job. Which a friend of mine, she says she did get a part time job outside the home to help her keep her sanity. I had looked into that last year, which I may do again this year. 

Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about. A friend of mine had replied to my comment on her thread. I forget what she was saying, I think unpacking from her trip and time to start laundry. I told her I was in the same boat as well. Well our friend comes along and more or less makes a comment about how nice it is to work from home, whereas she has to leave by 6am for work. (My friend deleted the thread being as she felt the mutual friend was out of line…I didn’t, but anyhow)

I knew what she was saying. I can work whatever time I want. Granted I have to plan my time off just like anyone else and even at that, when my stores close. I’m STILL working for a few more days. And even when my stores close, does not stop from buyers contacting me about issues or questions or special orders.

I am not going to lie. Working from home has several advantages. I don’t have to commute, I don’t have to ask for time off. If I need a day off, I can take it to go to my kids field trips or whichever they have going on. I will NEVER find a job this flexible.

BUT the downside, is I am the sole owner. If someone has a problem, I take care of it. When my supplies run low, I order them. I get to run all over the countryside to get the materials I need from Michael’s, Joann’s, Walmart. American Science and Surplus, Greenfield News and Hobby, etc etc. I have been seriously dragging my feet about opening my stores, which I had hoped to open tomorrow, but looks like it may be delayed by one more day. Also, when i start, I will be working 16-18 hour days. Which is another reason why I am holding off opening my stores, being as all these things I had planned to get done a month or so ago, kinda went out the door due to some people in my husband’s family feeling like they can just drop in on us whenever. I’m a little miffed being as we have things to get done. And now I can chalk up one more year our back yard has not been finished due to people wasting my time. 

I have been cleaning the basement and getting that under control. After getting all those empty boxes to the city dump, it looks worlds better! Now to just organize the totes that have random stuff tossed in them from when I needed to clean out the upper of all the repair materials and odds and ends. Which is just about 4 totes. But I have 4-5 boxes of clothes that the kids no longer fit. I am thinking to just get rid of all of them and not even bother with the hand me downs, or a rummage sale for that matter. I just don’t have the time for that anymore. 

I do have some stuff I have set aside to sell on Ebay and Craigslist as well. We shall see how well I do on sales for those items. I have a ton of books I would like to sell as well, but that us going to require some time to sit down and organize and take pics. I think when we get back from Lake Winnebago, I will sit down and just start taking pics. And since Gwen will be leaving school early on her A days, I may hire her to help me with the business. Not sure what I will have her do, but about time I enlist her help. 

Let the craziness begin….

Published August 25, 2011 by Sara

One thing after another has been popping up on our end. First my Dyson brush won’t turn, which looks like it may be the clutch. Easy fix and will only cost about $30 to repair, but plan to call customer service first to make sure it’s out of warranty before doing this myself.

Then just yesterday, our PS3 has the YLOD. (Yellow light of death.) Both warranties are done, the one I had purchased ended Jan of this year. BUT I have been researching and have narrowed it down how to fix it myself versus sending it in for repair. Now I just need to order the thermal paste to get this started.

So in the meantime, I have moved the PS3 I purchased my husband a few months ago into the living room to use in the meantime.

I have been working on the yard and today I plan to combat the weeds that are going out of control and possibly kill them once and for all. *cross my finger* And tackle my vacation laundry and get things ready for next week. I know it’s a little too soon, but more or less just packing the swim suits and towels and other items we don’t immediately need at the moment. 🙂

Ahh, it’s just funny how if it’s not one thing, it’s another. 😛 

Lake Winnebago

Published August 24, 2011 by Sara

We left on Friday. Which was no easy feat at that. We kinda pulled together that we were going early Friday morning and finally left about 7pm. *sigh* 

But after being there, I.can.not.wait.to.go.back! We have planned for Labor Day Weekend, which I will have EVERYTHING packed by Weds so as soon as the kids get home from school on Friday, we are out the door.

It was so peaceful, even more so with nothing but lake in front of us. The house is HUGE and open. With nothing but windows facing the lake. I am so jealous that this is what Al gets to come home to every day. Lucky bastard! LOL

I really wished we had planned to go there sooner before Gwen started school and we could have been there for a week and at the least 4 days. 

Al and I have already voted doing this over camping. I love camping, but this is so much more relaxing! And a lot less work at that. 

To sit out on the deck and watch the moon rise, absolutely friggin’ beautiful! I am hoping while we are there over Labor Day, that one storm blows in. Al was saying how wicked it is to watch it blow over the lake….I can only imagine!

Kinda sad to know Al won’t be renewing his lease when it comes due in October, but next summer, I am totally looking for something like this for all of us to rent for vacation next summer. 😉

Let The Savings Begin!!

Published August 17, 2011 by Sara

Well, we went out today with TONS of stacker coupons. (Meaning you can use a store’s along with a manufacturer’s coupon) And also hit the sales too.

First we went to Target, since the girls still needed underclothing and believe it or not. I had saved my coupons from Target for apparel. One was for $5 off a $30 purchase. Another was .75 cents off something…god, I love how I can remember the amount and not what it was for. THEN the socks were on sale $4.49 and then there was a .55 cent coupon on the socks too. 

Then I had a $1.00 off Danimals for Target, then a .75 cent coupon MC (manufacturer’s coupon). Knocked it down to .94 cents *sweet* Then Gogurt is on sale for 2 for $4 and a .75 cent coupon off. I know, not HUGE savings there. But something is better than nothing right?

Market Place Apple Juice, I had a $1.00 coupon and it’s on sale, which knocked it to $1.25 a bottle.

Overall, in what I had coupons that i purchased. I spent $50.71 and my savings total was $32.47. *sweet*

I did buy my oldest some underclothing as well, but what I spent on her, I did not add into it, being as I did not have coupons. But her bras were on sale and the underwear was buy 5 for $20.

Then my first Walgreens stop. I spent $76.54 and saved $72.34. BUT I learned something. I had a coupon for the Playtex Tampons and I purchased two boxes, BUT didn’t know the rewards would only print for the first purchase. *doh* I originally had that coupon stashed in the second trip envelope, but oh well. I’m learning right? But also got $5 in Register Rewards and since they didn’t have the Pert Plus shampoo. I headed over to the Walgreens not too far from my house. Spent $10 and saved $40. I even nabbed 2 free items at that. There was a Walgreens coupon of 1 pk of Expo Markers for $1.00 off and it was on sale, so before MC was applied, it was only .99 cents. After MC, which was $2.00 of 2. It made it a free item! So I gave  a pack each to my two younger children, since they have dry erase boards. They most certainly would have fun with these and heck for FREE? You cartainly can’t beat that.

The first Walgreens, people were huffing and puffing, but I could care less. I’M saving money here and damn straight I am going to get the biggest bang for my buck.

Second Walgreens the cashier was amazed. She wanted to know how in the world i did this and explained to her you need to buy the sunday paper. But the Campbell’s coupon I had, I got from Campbell’s. So I am sitting here again, planning tomorrow’s shopping trip. Which is not going to be anything like it was today. But just to catch up the last of the coupons and use my Register Rewards at Walgreens and earn some more Rewards at that too! But I need to plan this next Walgreens trip out, so I earn some register rewards and do the boomerang. Make my purchase, collect the RR, do the next purchase, do my RR and complete the next purchase……this is becoming somewhat fun.

Overall Spent : $137.18

Overall Savings : $146.00

So it is……

Published August 17, 2011 by Sara

I finally got the chance to speak with my Uncle tonight and it’s true. 100% without a doubt, he has liver cancer. I sit here in disbelief and incredibly sad he has to go through this. 

We are trying to plan to go out there over Labor Day weekend. Being as I am worried just how much time he has left and it scares me to the core to read he could only have 3-6 months. BUT I only looked up one article and made myself stop, we don’t know. And me looking up all this information is only making me feel more anxiety than ever before. So, I stopped. Wait for the details and THEN take it from there.

This is my last link to my Mom. I know she has another brother and sister, but her and my Uncle were close. Despite the huge age difference they had. (About 12 years) I’ve always sort of looked at him like a father figure in a way. He’s my absolute favorite Uncle. He has the memory better than anyone I know and he is the most active person. He is always traveling and always on the go. He has driven himself all over the USA.

But one of my Mom’s wishes when she was dying. She wanted me to take care of him if there ever came a point that he needed it. Being as she knows his kids won’t step up to the plate. He isn’t exactly too close to either of them. I think when he left Arliss, he sort of dropped out of their lives too. (Arliss was cheating on him and I know now, he wishes he stayed and tried to work things out.)

But I can’t…..I want to…but i do not feel I am capable of taking care of him. My husband certainly can’t either. He had his leg amputated a little over a year ago and he’s still not 100% rehabilitated yet. I could only do this if I had his help. 

I don’t like letting people down. Most of all my Mom. BUT I know if she were here she would understand. But again, I just feel like I am making excuses, I feel like I that i am letting him down as well, being as I know he wants to be here. But then what happens when he can no longer walk? I certainly can’t carry him. I know he has lost weight, but still, he’s a big guy. 

And also, do I want my kids to witness this all over again? My Mom went the right way, but cancer is not that forgiving for everyone.

I know I can handle the stress, but my kids, when they would cry on the phone because they wanted me home and they missed me so much, literally tore me to shreds. What if he ends up in Hopsice? And then it’s that all over again. It will worry me that Julia could become clingy again. After my Mom passed and she started school, she just had serious attachment problems. We worked so hard with her to build up her confidence and stabilizing her with tasks/rewards at home to reinforce her confidence.

Just a whole lot of what if’s….I just hope they don’t become the coulda shoulda woulda’s.

So me and my mom are watching Jem on The Hub.

Published August 17, 2011 by Sara

jemandtheholograms:

periwilde:

Me: So wait, I don’t get it. Is Jem a crime fighter or a rock star?

Mom: *Stops eating* Lemme tell you somethin’ about Jem…*starts belting out the Jem theme song*

Oh ok. I get it now.

Correct reaction to all Jem questions? Maybe. 

My notes to this post :

And this would totally be my response to my daughter… love it!